too painful

it is still too painful to go into detail. suffice it to say our beautiful dog is no longer with us. she was the best and most beautiful dog i have ever known.

i love you rene.

quiet miracles

last monday my husband came home to find our precious dog on the floor unable to get up on her own. it was time for the hard talk. we made the decision and i told him he had to call our daughter who was away at school and tell her. i was unable to at the time for purely emotional reasons. she had to be given the opportunity to come home and be here. we made the decision to have things taken care of by saturday. we are very fortunate to have a wonderful vet who makes house calls and she was set to come by sometime in the early evening on saturday.

tuesday the pup was no better. wednesday pretty much the same...

but...

sometime in the night she had gotten up on her own and got off her bed. i know this because later that night i woke up to hear her getting back on her bed. she sleeps on the floor next to my side of the bed.

thursday she was getting up on her own. she was a little shaky but she was doing it. by thursday evening she was doing so much better.

friday. friday she was looking like her old self. well, the old self that is still a very old dog but, still. friday evening when our daughter got in we had made the decision that we would have the vet still come over, see how the puppers was doing, see if any hard decisions needed to be made at that time.

saturday she was doing so well we decided that when we talked to the vet it would be with the purpose of finding out what we should look for; what we should keep an eye out for; how we could be sure we weren't jumping the gun. late saturday we got a call from our vet that she was running late. she had been out that day with her little family and they had just gotten back. i told her what was going on and we made the decision for her to come by on sunday instead.

when we lost andre we had really let it go far beyond the point we should have. we were all in denial. my husband said he didn't want to let things go so far with rene. we also didn't want to err on the other side and let her go too soon. it was so helpful to talk to our vet and have her tell us what to look for so we could make the right decision at the right time.

she was, quite frankly, amazed that rene is still doing so well considering her advanced age, her failing liver and her loss of muscle mass in her hind-quarters. you just wouldn't know it to look at her. the vet agreed with us that now is not the time. rene is really doing well. she doesn't appear to be in a lot of pain, she still gets excited for her treats, her food and her walkies with her daddy.

our quiet miracle. she is still with us.

it was the best of times it was the worst of times

she came to us around thanksgiving 13 years ago. she was our thanksgiving dog and we truly gave thanks for her. many thanksgivings have come and gone since then. she will be leaving us this weekend.

she has given us so much and has asked so little in return; just to be loved. we have loved her. oh have we loved her. she is the best dog in the world. she is the perfect dog for us. she is loving and sweet. she is beautiful.

she was so cowed when she came to live with us. she had been mistreated. she didn't bark, she was extremely skittish. after a time she became less skittish and learned how to bark all over again. she has made sure everyone who passes in front of our house knows it is being looked after by the best dog in the world. we always thank her for "letting them know".

one of the best things, the most heartwarming, is seeing her asleep on the floor, on her back with her tummy exposed. this shows great comfort with her surroundings; great trust that her people mean her no harm.

her little cat has been staying close, oh so close these past few weeks. we all love her so much.

we figure her age to be around 16. she has lived a good long life; most of it spent with a family who treasures her.

we remember her running in great loops in the back yard head up and tail wagging. so full of life and fun. so graceful and proud. she loves us all and shows it in every fiber of her being. we all love her and praise her for being such a good dog.she loves going for her nightly walk with her daddy. i think her daddy likes it, too.

the house is going to be so empty.

apropos of nothing

=i hate telephones=

• i hate talking on them. there are only two people i can talk to on the phone and totally lose track of time. one is my mother, the other is my daughter.
• to counter my hate of phones i purchased some old rotary phones from ebay and *ahem* rotate them in my living room.
• my husband likes to make a joke of having a phoneless cord. i think it's brilliant.
  
• when i have to punch in a bunch of numbers on the phone i invariably punch in the wrong one somewhere near the end and have to start all over again. i have actual nightmares about that. one nightmare which is still very very vivid even though i haven't had it in quite a while:

i'm on a vast plain that stretches forever in every direction. the only thing visible is an open structure with columns stretching upwards of 50 feet. placed on those columns just high enough that you have to jump up to reach them are phones. in order to dial a number you have to jump up and dial each number. there are a LOT of numbers which need to be dialed. i always mess up before reaching the end and have to start over again and it is critical i make this call.

=i have way too much stuff i want to do and not enough time to do it=

• i have socks which need to be knit for me, my daughter, my husband and my parents. these i can do on my commute to and from work. i just need to get faster.
• i have a sweater i want to have done before thanksgiving
• i have artwork i want to have prints made of so i can try to sell the prints
• i have little book boxes i want to decorate and try to sell
• i have ideas for collages i want to do
• i have finished knitted and crocheted projects which i want to get pictures of and update my ravelry project list
• i have a scarf/shawl which i have wanted to make for several years now and finally realized i simply could not subsitute the yarn called for. i have now purchased the yarn and want to get started on it. before i can feel comfortable doing that i really need to make inroads on the first two in this list

time management. i really need it.

aaaand she's off

the hardest job you'll ever love.

after living with this absolutely marvelous little person for over 21 years we are now, after doing our job correctly, sending her off on her own.

why is this so hard? she's close, though. that's a comfort. she's a 4.5 hour bus drive away, so it's doable. not so far as to be a logistical issue but not so close as to tempt us to intrude too often.

she's entering the next phase of her young life, one brimming with possibility and adventure. she's going to school in another city, another state. she's well on the way to becoming who she is, will be, needs to be. her future is limitless.

we are so proud.

for the fabric lovers out there

one of the sites i love to keep up with, Sheree's Alchemy, is having a give away! she is one of those really special, fortunate people who is able to do what she loves and get paid for it.

she does the most amazing children's clothes and uses the most gorgeous fabric i think i have ever seen. this is the fabric she is giving away! you really need to check it out!

remembering

we recently said our final good-bye's to my mother-in-law. she had lived a good long life and went peacefully in her sleep, sharp as a tack until the end. the funeral was this past saturday and it was lovely seeing family we haven't seen in a while. my brother-in-law did the eulogy and my sister-in-law did the prayer, which was also a eulogy of sorts. one of the things she mentioned was her mother's dignity. her mother was, indeed, a very dignified person. keep this in mind.

flashback to 1979.

i had been seeing a lovely young man for a bit when i came by to pick him up, at his house, for a date. he came out and told me he wanted me to meet his mother.

okey doke.

we went in and he introduced me to his mother who was in her houserobe, house slippers and, more than likely, curlers in her hair. remember, she was a very dignified person. instead of being embarrassed, horrified or rushing off into the other room to change, she very graciously said hello to me. she was not only dignified and gracious but also just a wee bit devilish.

she then asked me "would you care to tango?" and we then did a quick tango in the kitchen.

that was it. i was smitten. she later tried to scare me off by telling me my intended wanted a LOT of kids, but it was too late. she had already won me over.

going on 30 years later i am so glad she did.

my beautiful boy

we've had andre for quite a while. he is, for all intents and purposes, my husband's cat but he makes sure he gives his love to us all. he is my friend, my buddy.







and he will soon, all too soon, no longer be with us. we love him so.

realizations

i took off 2 weeks during the last of the year 2008. 2 weeks of not being at work. 2 weeks of no routine. 2 weeks of staying at home, knitting, crocheting and staying pretty much in my pajamas.

oh, sure, there were those days of my friend coming in from texas to visit us for 5 days. only 5 days. i love my friend and would have loved to have her for the entire 2 weeks but, well, she has family and duties of her own.

out of those 2 weeks away from work, 1 of those ended up with me being sick as a dog with a head/chest cold. like my husband says, when i get sick i get sick.

realizations:

1) i need routine. during my 2 weeks of no routine i suddenly realized last night that i neglected to take my anti-sadness meds. i realized this as i became aware of the fact that i was intensely sad and for no reason at all. without my routine i don't remember to do things like take the needed meds.

2) i cannot be a stay-at-home person. this is a previously noted realization that was reinforced this past 2 weeks. i also cannot be a work-from-home person. i cannot set boundaries. i will either not do enough work or i will work until the wee hours.

3) i cannot think of a number 3. i think this is because i have difficulty concentrating (see number 1 above). gotta not forget the meds.

so, there you go. i don't do resolutions, i do realizations.